Oh So Cold
by Samsara
Summary: Yukito is having conflicting feelings and takes a turn for the worse...yaoi(Touya x Yuki), serious themes- suicide, abuse... (Ch.11 up!)
1. Don't Leave Me

Oh So Cold

Oh So Cold

Samsara

Part One: Don't Leave Me

Yukito stared blandly out the window, his stormy grey eyes held in the usual trance at the figure below. Carefully the teenager curled his finger around the lacy curtains, leaving fingerprints of blood behind. Yuki cautiously hid behind the whitewashed wall, so that perhaps the tall youth and his sister approached the door.All around the pair trudging up the walk, nature was at her best. The chilly autumn wind swirled the leaves around in a spiral, raising a riot of colours bidden to red, yellow and brown. The signs of a coming winter were evident everywhere you went in the town. Slowly, raindrops began to fall lightly to the ground. However, it soon began to sleet.

// Touya...\\ Yuki thought inwardly. Swiftly, he moved away from the window and rapidly changed his clothes and washed his hands. He couldn't let Touya see him like this. The doorbell had rung four times before he managed to open it.

" Hey Touya, Sakura. Come on in. The weather's getting worse," Yuki greeted the pair warmly as he pasted on his quiet and content little smile, making sure the corners of his mouth turned upwards ever so slightly. 

"Thanks Man. It really has gotten bad, and all of a sudden too.I wonder why..." Touya stated calmly as he used a towel to dry off.

" Hi Yuki! I baked these cookies for you! Hope you like them," Sakura said brightly and handed over a light pink cardboard box filled with chocolate and peanut butter cookies.

" I'd be careful Yuki, you never know what the squirt sticks in them," Touya warned as he pointed at Sakura and pointed his finger at his open mouth, in mock disgust.

" Touya!!" Sakura whined.

" He teasing you again?" Yuki asked kindly as he set about making tea.

" What else is new?" Sakura answered sarcastically and helped Touya set the table.Yuki laughed softly and poured the tea. For the next two hours the trio dined on the meal that Sakura and Yuki had planned. They talked about various things. 

At last, it was time for Touya and Sakura to leave. Sakura offered to help with the dishes but Yuki refused to let her do so. They said their goodbyes and Sakura bounded down the driveway and waited anxiously for her brother. Touya stopped at the door and turned to say goodbye but stopped when he saw his friend's face. It had somehow contorted itself into sadness and despair. It looked as though Yuki were about to cry his eyes out.

"Yuki... you okay man?" Touya asked worriedly and laid a comforting hand on his shoulder.

" Yeah... I'm fine. P..perfect..ly fine," Yuki lied while he tried to swallow the large lump in his throat.

" Yuki?" Touya asked again.

" I said I'm fine!" Yuki whispered again and shoved Touya out the door and closed it behind him, making it obvious the conversation was over. Touya hesitated for a moment before running to catch up with Sakura, who had already left.

Overhead Touya, Yuki peered silently out the window, as the blood ran down the fine lace curtains, once again.

End

(This is kind of a teaser, but it really wasn't meant to be!! And yes people, this is the prequel to Rose Thorns. We sent a teaser out about that one ages ago, so finally it's comin' out!)


	2. Smack The Butterfly

Oh So Cold  
  
Part Two:// Smack The Butterfly  
  
  
  
Disclaimer:// Whelp, secret's out... I don't own CCS. I wouldn't know what to do with all that moo-lah -.-()  
  
Lyrics are from the song "Raingirl", which is copyright to me.. :)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The long hallways were littered with students fresh off of their lunch break. A tall, young man walked silently down the hallway, his black hair hiding his eyes. His shoulders were hunched and quivering. None of the happy students moved to touch him, in fact, they all seemed to brush past Touya as he stalked down the hallways. The entire hallway was in complete silence as the bell overhead rang and the high schoolers filed into their classrooms one by one. Touya continued his march down the hallway.  
  
The hallway was void now.  
  
"Tou~ya!"  
  
The word was barely whispered over the cool hush of silence that had filled the hall. Touya's head immediately perked up and glanced around. The bag that Touya had been carried fell softly to the ground and soon he found himself running.  
  
:// A Feather Weight upon the back of no one's slave... Another soft touch of the rainy days //:  
  
"Tou~ya!?" The words were hushed, but desperate. The hallways echoed with the ring of that one word, the air rippling in offence. Touya's feet pounded leadenly on the tiled floor. The sound of his feet pounded through the walls and mingled with the frantic voice. His run seemed endless, and blood was hammering in his ears. His name rang in his mind, the needy tone of the speaker haunting him.  
  
:// Dead hung on your cross she lays... When all your saints are gone without a grave //:  
  
  
  
Touya's race down the cold hallways lead him to a slightly ajar door. Bright light was filtering out from the doorway and the door creaked on its hinges, moving back and forth. Breathless, the 17 year old nudged the door opened, and shivered as a wave of water came rushing through, soaking him up to his knees. Touya peered into the room, his eyes searching through what was apparently a bathroom. There was only a bathtub in the room, and the water was over spilling the tub.  
  
"Tou~ya?" The voice was again quiet. Touya trudged through the puddle of water until he stood over the figure in the bathtub. It was a tall, graceful boy with gentle features. The naked boy was shivering in the cold water, and the remainder of broken glasses lay scattered at the tub's bottom. The boy's wrists were slit and blood was streaming out of them, but only to disappear into normal water.  
  
"YUKI?!"  
  
:// The washing of the sands left me grit... The ripest of our dreary days grants harvest in this town //:  
  
  
  
Touya sat up in bed, sweat pouring down his front and his chest heaving. Instinctively he stood up and glanced around. His hair was ruffled and his face was puffy and red from sweat. The bed sheets lay in a snarled mess on the floor. Touya stood there for a moment, dazed in confusion.  
  
// That dream... Yuki was drowning in that bathtub... Oh god, his wrists....why would he do that? He wouldn't, would he? He looked so... sad and lost this afternoon. He's thin and looks so ill. Yuki... What's wrong with you? What could you ever feel sad about? I want... I need to see you. I need to make sure you're all right!//  
  
  
  
:// Fields on the Raingirl walks... She's watching us with quiet eyes... In every window, on every step... Counting crows as they fly past her rooftop//:  
  
  
  
With a determined look on his face, Touya picked up the phone in the hallway and called his crush. The phone rang, and rang. Finally he hung up, his expression that of worry. Yuki had no reason to be out this late and he was never a heavy sleeper.  
  
One more moment of hesitation and Touya was pulling on some pants and heading out the door.  
  
  
  
Something wasn't right.  
  
  
  
It had been 4 hours since he saw Touya walk out his front door. Yuki had spent those hours doing nothing really, just cleaning and sitting. There was never really anything interesting to do around his house, especially since his grandparents were rarely home. This time they were on holiday in Canada. They had left over 2 months ago, and although they kept sending him postcards saying they would be home soon, Yuki knew different. They weren't coming home. He had seen the receipt of a house bought up in Victoria.  
  
The bathtub was nearly full by the time Yuki had sealed his letter. He laid it carefully down on his pillow before entering the bathroom and closing the door. The finality of the closing door made Yuki shudder vaguely, but he never paused. Slowly, bit-by-bit, he removed all of his clothes and folded them neatly. When he turned to look in the mirror he stopped.  
  
He was so pale, almost frail and withered. His hair was dull and limp to the touch. His once perfect forearms were now scathed with dark red lines, criss crossing each other like a fence. Yuki shook his head hurridly before pulling his gaze away from the nosy mirror. The bathwater was freezing cold, but somehow, Yuki didn't mind it. He sat there, in the water, gazing at his life.  
  
No words did he utter.  
  
He only stared, and then reached.  
  
For the razor on the sink.  
  
  
  
(I know I've been really baad about getting this out, but i'll finish this 2morro i pwomise!) 


	3. Hey Mystery!

Oh So Cold

Part Three:// Hey Mystery!

Disclaimer:// Yes, well, I don't own CCS. I'm not that fucking smart -.-()

When Touya reached Yuki's house, the moon had arisen to her highest point in the sky. The pale milk-light swam in between the branches and cast nighttime shadows on the numerous pots in the garden. The teenage boy made no move to cover his presence, but strode up to the doorway, and without knocking, entered. Supposing enough, the door was left unlocked. Rain was coming down heavily now, and a quick breeze blew in from the south, forcing the leaves to abandon their trees.

The entire house was silent. There was no sound of any breathing, or shuffling. Nothing. The stairs creaked underneath Touya as he made his way up the old wooden steps. The way to Yuki's room was void of any obstacle, and the house was sparkling clean.

Upon entry to Yuki's room, Touya immediately noticed the dank smell of blood, and the unnatural cleanliness. The entire room was clean, and it seemed as though no one had been living in the room for a long time. There was nothing that could define this room as Yuki's. It was just bare. Touya paused at the bed before picked up the sealed white envelope on it.

Yuki made no move to answer the telephone. Whomever was calling was probably for his grandparents. Who would want to talk to him? The razor cuts on his wrists lay open and bleeding into the water. The water had been shut off and now the tub was filled to the brim. 

"I wonder why they left? Why does everyone leave? First mum, now them. 

:// And So you had the world in your hands I wonder how you came to find her lost at sea//:

I can't keep up with anything anymore. When I'm around people, I feel so lost, like nothing I have to say is important enough for them to hear. I don't know, it's just, I think people don't need me. It doesn't matter though. I know why they left me. It's because I wasn't good enough. I'm so wimpy! I can't even look after myself, and nobody really likes me. I've failed them. I wasn't the perfect Catholic son. I didn't want to get married, or have kids. I liked guys. I liked Touya. I love Touya. And he'll leave me once he finds out. I don't know why, I just do. I've failed them, and I deserve to be left alone," Yuki's thoughts rambled through his head like an unwound fishing line, always seeking. 

"I deserve to die," 

Touya's eyes scanned the letter briefly before looking up in horror. The words his crush had written laid welts in his heart. How How could he think such things? His words, claiming it was his fault people hurt him, his fault people left him. He said he had failed everyone. Touya frantically began to search the house, before Yuki would do what he said he would. 

//Sorry I hafta cut dis short, but I have to post it before 9th period! More to come, I promise!// 


	4. Crazy Little Life

Oh So Cold Part Four: Crazy Little Life By: Samsara  
  
Disclaimer: Say, people... guessie guessie! me no own. HAhA! GOTCHA THERE!! HUGE SUPRISE... I know, you'll get over it soon enough, and will stop sending me fan mail with valentines and nummy candy... i will miss the marriage proposals though... 9_9  
  
Note: Uhm... I have no clue how this fic is going to end, so if you don't want to have a REAALLY sucky ending, it is suggested that you hand over your ideas for an ending in your review... okay?  
  
Crazy Little Life  
  
  
  
Yuki's letter crumpled to the floor, forgotten, as Touya disappeared quickly from the room. The house remained silent, save for the constant thump of feet against the floors. All the other bedrooms were empty, some even more bare than Yuki's. Touya growled in frustration as his search was growing nearer to thin. The night bobbled in the windows, the moon slowing inching farther away from his line of sight. Touya's hand stopped suddenly on the door into the kitchen. A small gasp quaked in the air, almost unheard. Touya waited again for another gasp, and surely it came. Touya scrambled back into the dark hallways and flung open the bathroom door.  
  
  
  
  
  
By now, Yuki was sure he was hallucinating. His wrists lay slashed open for the world to see and the sky around him was a mix of colors. Yellow and red flashed before his vision, and a black blur fighting its way through the clouds of purple and blue grew ever closer. The sink and toilet were flashing grins, their handles gleaming a silvery smile. The world turned hazy in his eyes, and Yuki didn't mind. He felt like he was floating, and that nothing really mattered. It was all so surreal that he couldn't even hear straight. The blackened blur continued to fight the colors, his lips moving back and forth. Yuki ignored the figure and looked up at the heavens. To him the bathroom had disappeared and had sunk into an ocean. The stars exploded with yellow fire and scattered over his skin, the tingling sensation creating a giggle from his lips. He was a child again, or so it seemed. He was without care or knowledge of what was happening. The water was cold, but mmm! The water was so clear and fresh, mmm! The numbing sensation ripped through his sanity above all other senses, and to its drug, everything else was undefined. If this water were a drug, Yuki was addicted. The coolness cleaned him, without anything left to guilt over, and my, my it felt so good! The stars twinkled a laughing smile at him, their flashing lights leaping out at him and groping every each of pale skin. The star's touch was welcome on his body, and Yuki moved into the temptation so easily. Sanity was long gone, and Yuki was nearing the center of his ocean. Nothing mattered anymore. No more daily worries or fears that binding the soul like chains to the skin. It was all past him, and the ripples in the clear water had saved him. His life was done with, and while some may protest, Yuki sighed happily and sank further into the deep water. He was nearing the end of his ocean, and the colors were fading. The lights faded away. The world dimmed, and in an instant his eyes were closed. Where had the colors gone? The comforting light of brightness had disappeared, and Yuki wasn't able to find it. The blackened blur was around him now, the presence suffocating him.  
  
"Lemme go," the whisper hit the walls and leapt back at Touya. Upon seeing Yuki in the water, Touya had jumped forward and tried to pull him out. His wrists were bleeding heavily. Touya didn't have any time to stop and think about what was going on, he just pulled his friend out of the water. Yuki was freezing cold, his hair a disgusting red-brown color. The air stank with blood as the red water sloshed onto the floor. When Touya refused to let Yuki go, the whispered cry came again.  
  
"Lemme go! Lemme go! Please? I don't know you... let me go? Why don't you let go?!"  
  
The ocean was gone now, and there only remained an inescapable presence consuming him. Yuki's gasps for air fell silent to the darkness, and his lungs swallowed the words meant for his captor. Desperate, Yukito dragged his hand up and clawed at whatever held him so tightly. His captor flinched, visibly, but still clung to Yuki. Again Yuki frantically clawed at the back of the figure who now had him hoisted over one shoulder. His shaking becoming more and more violent, Yuki gave up his attempt to fall into darkness, and could only watch as his blessed dark haven sunk from view. 5 minutes later, and Yuki was passed out.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
okay... that was short ^^; more to come! 


	5. Weak in Me

Oh So Cold: Weak in Me (Part 5) By: Samsara I do not own Card Captor Sakura.  
  
A dull echo of sound roared in Yuki's ears as a soft twinge of light met his eyes. Carefully he opened his eyes, only to close them again quickly. "This can not be happening," he thought bitterly, "There's no way I could've survived it," The soft murmur of machines was all that was heard in the hospital room. Still refusing to open his eyes, Yukito turned on his side only to find that he couldn't. He couldn't even move his arms. Daring to open his eyes, he peered down his body to find his ankles and wrists in hard plastic cuffs that attached to the bed. Growling, he struggled against his restraints, only to find an uncomfortable tube protruding from between his legs and an IV in his left forearm. Yuki's struggling seized as the lone figure in the chair moved. Sakura Kinomoto sat up in the hospital chair, rubbing her eyes and glancing around the room. The pale figure on the bed was seemingly still, that is until she saw his open eyes in the reflection of a mirror. Slowly she stood.  
  
"Yukito-kun?" she whispered. He didn't reply.  
  
"Will you speak with me Yukito-kun?"  
  
Again this wasn't answered. Sakura backed off slowly until her feet stood in the hallway. Yukito cringed as he felt her oxford shoes slide on the waxed floor, probably in pursuit of her older brother.  
  
He hadn't wanted this. He shouldn't have had to wake up again, especially in a hospital and in restraints. Waking up like this made him so guilty, especially the sorrowful looks Sakura had given him. He didn't want to hurt anyone! The whole idea of him dying was so that he wouldn't bother anyone anymore. He had no one in the world anymore, not even his closest friends. Things had been terrible for years at home with his family, but at least he had close friends he could depend on. Except he could only tell his friends so much. Who would want to hear about the hour-long fights he had with his grandparents, or the verbal assaults that sprang from his home? They never took him seriously and even dared to stereotype him. He didn't want his friends, or family, to bother him anymore.  
  
Touya stood in the doorway, looking in on the boy who lay on the bed. Yukito's forehead was furrowed as if he was in deep thought. Just staring at the teenager made Touya's blood boil. Why did he have to do this? Couldn't he see that it would hurt others? It wasn't right. Yukito was the nicest and most loving person Touya had ever met, and whatever or whomever had lead him to suicide was going to pay. Yukito was the last person in the world who deserved mental torment. Touya sighed heavily, and walked into the room, closing the door behind him.  
  
A.N// another crappily-short chapter, but I really have to go and then i have 7th period!! ( I'm typing this at school) review please! Oh, and thanks for ending ideas. Yukito would never have ended up in a hospital without your suggestions, so keep 'em coming!! 


	6. Open Eyes

Oh So Cold - Open Eyes (Part 6)  
  
  
  
Yukito fidgeting as soon as the door was closed, and the two men where left alone in the room. The stillness of the room sat upon them, the silence acting like water drowning out all animation. Yukito refused to look at Touya, and Touya simply sat down across from the boy. The dim light spread across the wall the bed lay against, making the bed illuminate.  
  
"Where to begin? It's not the easiest thing, asking your best friend why he tried to kill himself," Touya thought to himself, leaning back in the hospital chair. His clenched fists wound around the arm rests, the plastic nearly melting under the pressure. His teeth relaxed slightly as he walked clumsily over to the bed. Yukito frantically shut his eyes and turned his jaw the other way.  
  
"Yuki-kun," Touya's words came out as a mere exhale of breath; his trembling lips barely catching the words and processing them.  
  
"Yuki, I don't understand,"  
  
The statement was not answered. If anything, Yukito's eyes compressed together even more, until you couldn't even see his eyelids.  
  
"You were always so happy," Touya commented slowly. His chin was pressed against his chest in embarrassment and his left arm was raised above his head.  
  
"Do not tell me what I am and what I am not," Yukito snapped back. Touya jumped at the words and stepped back. Never had such language come from Yuki's mouth!  
  
"I'm not trying to," Touya replied resolutely, his jaw set firm.  
  
"Just shut up and go away!" Yukito cried back. A feral growl muttered from Touya as he leaned back against the wall.  
  
"No. Not until I understand, "  
  
"Understand what? There's nothing to understand! You should've been happy!" Yukito shrieked. He forced himself to the top corner of the bed and had woven his limbs into a tangled mess of sheets and blanket. His eyes were shut and his arms drew his shaking legs to his chest, which was heaving up and down. Yukito was still not fully recovered, and this argument was not so good an exercise.  
  
"Is... Is that what you think?! Why the fuck should I have been happy with my best friend drowning in his own blood!? Aren't I more than that to you!? Did, did you not trust me enough to tell me you were suffering?" Touya spit his words out with a sharp, direct crispness.  
  
"You don't care about anything I say, so why do you start caring now? Afraid you might get mocked at school? Afraid people will think you're hanging out with a *loony*?" Yukito's words stung. Their raw burn hit Touya straight in the heart, the untruthfulness nipping in his chest.  
  
"That's not true! I do want to hear what you have to say!"  
  
"No, no, you don't! Whenever I try to add in on a conversation, no one even acknowledges what I've said or cares. You never even try to talk to me about anything anyways,"  
  
"Yukito..." Touya started, exasperated.  
  
"No. Just, Just get out! GET OUT!!" Yukito yelled at Touya, his eyes brimming with tears. Yukito yanked the sheets up in an effort to conceal his tears, but they were heard.  
  
"Please," Yukito whispered.  
  
Touya leaned over the bed and placed his hands on either side of Yuki.  
  
"I will be back," There was no question in his voice. With that being said, Touya left the room; frustrated and more disturbed than he had been when he first entered the room.  
  
  
  
A/N: Such a nice conversation... short again, but I guess it's a habit with this story. I know that Yukito may come off as being a little out of character, but nobody acts like them self when they want to die. Trust me on this. ^. - 


	7. Happy Birthday Deep Disrepair

Oh So Cold Part 7: Happy Birthday Deep Disrepair By: Samsara  
  
Disclaimer: Of course, I do not own Card Captor Sakura or the characters belonging to CCS. This is a non-profit story on non-profit websites.  
  
By the time Touya returned later that night, Yuki was flipping through the T.V channels, much to fast to be actually watching anything. His eyes were blank and were constantly flickering over the four corners of the room. The worst part of entering the room at that moment was that Yuki refused to acknowledge Touya's presence. Instead of taking Yukito's cold bait for argument, Touya resigned to a plush chair in the corner. He had not been sitting long when a nurse came in.  
  
"How are you feeling?" the nurse asked softly as she checked the catheter. Surprisingly enough, to Touya, Yuki responded quietly.  
  
"Fine,"  
  
"We're going to have to keep you here for 72 hours. It's normal to keep suicide patients this long just so we can keep an eye on you, just to make sure you're stable enough to leave. Hopefully we can get someone down from the Psychology Ward to come and speak with you," she answered in a tone that was non-committed.  
  
"Am I going to be placed in a loony bin?" Yuki asked softly. All of his earlier animosity had disappeared, and now was replaced by the quiet manner of a reprimanded child. His body lay lax against the pillows, his fingers were laced in the sheets and his chin rested upon his chest. He was a forlorn look indeed.  
  
"That depends," the nurse replied, her truth stunning both the boys in the room.  
  
"On what?"  
  
"Well, for one, if your guardians feel it is necessary for you to be there. I am told that you currently live with your grandparents, but we have not been able to get in touch with them. Do you know where we might reach them?"  
  
"No. They left for Canada a few weeks ago," Yukito replied dully.  
  
Why was Yukito cooperating with this nurse? Before, Yuki had screamed, cried and taunted Touya, all of which were not his usual manner. But then, Yukito did have a point. Was he always stereotyping him, never really thinking that Yukito might have a much deeper and darker side? Yuki always seemed happy and perfect. To the world, Yukito was the perfect boy, and the world was perfect for Yukito. There was really nothing Yukito couldn't do, his inner strengths overcoming obstacles that anyone else would have fallen against. But Touya had never had a deep conversation with Yukito. Deep, as in their beliefs or ideas about the world. Deep as in inner emotions. None of their conversations went beyond long hours of everyday chatter, about school, trips, places and events. Yuki never told Touya how he was feeling and Touya never pursued the subject. Yukito was right. Touya hadn't taken the time to understand his best friend. It was as though he was still acting like they were in third grade. Back then, you didn't have to care about someone's emotions to be their friend. All you had to do was be there. Now... that wasn't enough. Touya blanched at that thought.  
  
"Oh God, I don't even know him..." Touya whispered to himself. His breath was ragged and throat coarse. If that was true, how could he love Yuki? Touya immediately buried his disturbed manner in his hands, feeling hot tears swell up in his eyes. How could this have happened? Or rather, How could he have let this happen?  
  
"What do you mean you don't know how to the reach them? Don't you have their phone number for where they're staying?" The nurse pursued the question, which Yuki obviously didn't feel like talking about. It was at that moment Touya's head snapped up, eyes filtering out tepid tears.  
  
"They left. They left without telling me and they've bought a house there. They will not be coming back," Yuki snarled, his attitude changed. The nurse pursed her lips in a tight knot and wrote a note on her clipboard.  
  
"Oh Dear..." was all she muttered before stepping outside the room to speak with a doctor. She returned a few moments later, the doctor gone. "We will have to find arrangements for you then. We're also going to have to have Social Services come see you,"  
  
"He can stay with us," Touya said. The nurse turned and saw him for the first time since she had entered the room. She smiled and nodded. Writing down another note, the nurse left, smoothing her sweatpants and hospital mock.  
  
Once the nurse had left, Yukito resumed flipping through the channels. Touya made no notion to speak, but instead slunk back in his chair and stared at his friend in the bed. Touya's mind was a wreak, and everything he had ever thought about Yuki was slipping into shambles.  
  
"Touya-kun? What happened? How did I get here?" Yukito's words were careful and quiet. His manner had changed again, and had calmed him.  
  
"I..." Touya cleared his throat, " I tried to call you and you didn't pick up. I thought that wasn't lik-" Touya stopped. Yukito didn't notice his pause, or decided not to comment. Clearing his throat again, Touya continued. " I was worried, so I stopped by and... and I found your letter and everything. The ambulance came and hauled us off. They pulled you into the emergency room and told me to go home,"  
  
"Oh,"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A.N. A bit longer! More coming, don't despair. Keep sending me them good plot ideas. Special Thanks to Yue's Playa for her constant help with the plot. 


	8. The Boy on the Bed

Oh So Cold Part Eight: The Boy on the Bed By: Samsara  
  
Disclaimer still stands. Question: Is Mr. Kinomoto Sakura & Touya's Dad's name? For now I'll call him Mr. Avalon, from the dub version...  
  
  
  
Part Eight The Boy on the Bed  
  
  
  
The next three days were pure hell for Yukito. Mr. Avalon came in to visit, but left quickly after Yuki's lack of response. The days and nights passed slowly, and each moment Yukito's mind grew bolder. Touya came and visited after school, sometimes bringing Sakura along. She stared at Yukito for long moments of time, her green eyes glowing with fear and resentment not usual to her appearance. The abnormal tinge in her eyes did not leave even when she left the hospital. The attention circling him was confusing and dizzying. At school, students inquired where their favorite "snow bunny" was, but all Touya could was shake his head and mutter to himself. Several times Touya was caught staring off into space during classes, and skipped his detention whenever he got it. Neither Touya or Yuki had been getting much sleep, and they hadn't spoken since their argument. Touya's visits usually lasted until nine at night when he had to come home, and each portion of time was quiet and tense. Yukito rarely acknowledged him, and refused help from anyone. At the end of the second day they took out Yukito's catheter, but the restraints around his wrists remained. Arrangements had been made for Yukito to go home with the Avalons, but whether Yukito liked the idea or not was a mystery. Touya continued to sit in the chair next to the bed, half watching Yuki and half watching the T.V. At the end of the third day, Yukito would be going home with Touya. It was about eight thirty on Yuki's third day in the hospital when Touya and Yukito were both aroused from their T.V. trance by a knock at the door. A woman with springy orange hair and a teal jumpsuit stood in the doorway.  
  
"Hi, I'm from the phyc. ward. I'm here to speak with Yukito?" Her voice was timid, and her statement a half question. Touya nodded and glanced down at the boy on the bed. Yukito's brow was furrowed and sweaty, his hospital gown was rumpled around the edges. With a last peek at Yuki, Touya trudged out of the room and into the lobby.  
  
"Hello, Yukito. I'm Sally. I was told you wanted someone to come talk to you," she stared, pulling an empty chair next to the bed. She rested a clipboard on her lap and was scribbling little notes on the yellow sheet. Yukito glared at her.  
  
"I didn't ask for someone to talk to,"  
  
"Well, I'm here now. I need to ask you some questions at the very least. Did you know that cutting your wrists would kill you?" Sally sat back in her chair, pen in mouth, waiting for the answer. Yukito rolled his eyes and turned away from her.  
  
"Of course I did. Why do you think I did it?" was his short reply.  
  
"I don't know. Why don't you tell me? Why did you try to kill yourself?" Her sensible answer seemed too neutral to be real. Yukito didn't turn back to her, but spoke again.  
  
" I don't know,"  
  
"Well don't you think if you're going to end it all you should at least know why?" She was scrawling more notes down on her sheet furiously.  
  
"There were a lot of reasons," Yukito whispered back. His body had again curled up onto one corner of the bed, and his hands were struggling against the restraints to cover up his mouth like paws. Yuki closed his eyes and switched the T.V. off.  
  
"Tell me one reason,"  
  
"Because... Because.... I don't know," he whimpered," Everything's my fault,"  
  
Yukito squeezed his eyes shut further, his eyelids attempted to close out the tears that would soon be falling. "How could she be asking such questions? Wasn't it obvious? Wasn't he already in the spotlight enough?" Yukito thought silently. Sally obviously didn't notice his distress and kept writing.  
  
"Why is that?" She pursued the question, again with her pen in her mouth.  
  
"So she agrees! She thinks everything is my fault! Then why does she have to know why? It doesn't matter, it's just is!!" Yukito's thoughts were on a rampage against him and would not be calmed.  
  
"That's the way it is!" He snarled at her. She didn't jump or get frightened like he half expected her to. Instead she continued writing, scribbling more and more notes down that would probably damn him to more hours in the hospital.  
  
"Do you think you'll try this again?"  
  
Yukito laughed, but it carried no amusement or character.  
  
"Yes, but not soon,"  
  
"Why not soon? Why wait awhile?"  
  
"I'm too numb right now," Yukito laughed again.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I don't feel anything. I can't... I can't smile or ... I don't know. I just can't feel anything. I'm numb. I don't want anything new to happen. I want out of here." He said softly.  
  
Sally sighed and finished her notes. Their conference had been almost a half hour, and now it was nine p.m. and she had to go.  
  
"I'm really sorry that I can't stay and speak with you. I have another appointment," She stood up and turned to leave.  
  
Yukito turned around and peered at the woman about to leave.  
  
"Another appointment? For another suicidal?" he asked, startled.  
  
"Yes. You're not the only one who decided to kill himself. That's how everything is in life. You're never alone," With that, she left.  
  
Yukito stared at the spot where she had just been.  
  
"There are other people who are like me? Who just want to die?" Yukito murmured to himself. The idea was new and amazing all at the same time. A few moments later a nurse came in carrying some soap and towels. She wore the normal sweatpants and mock that every nurse donned, and wore a bright smile on her face. Her nametag read 'Nicole'. "Yukito! We've decided that you can go home now. The boy who was with you went to go get his motorcycle, so you'll have time to shower,"  
  
"I'm not going to a loony bin, am I?" Yukito questioned, sitting up in the bed. The nurse released the plastic cuffs around his wrists and helped him off the bed.  
  
"No, but you are going to have to find a physiatrist. Don't worry, those guys are all nice people and it's good to talk to someone who you don't see on a regular basis. That way you get an opinion of someone who's not involved with your situation, " Nicole told him, before unfurling a curtain that had been hiding a shower.  
  
"You can take a quick shower and I'll layout some clothes your friend brought you. Here's some soap and a towel," The walls facing the lobby were glass so that the nurses could see if anything was the matter. Nicole drew the curtains to give Yukito some privacy from the nurses and left. Yukito slowly peeled off the sweaty nightgown which had recently turned into a second skin. He laid it down on the bed before hopping into the shower. The water was warm and spread a fire of cleanliness all over him. His hair was lighter after he washed it, the perspiration of his days in a bed slipping off him in cascades of soapy water. His wrists were doused in the smell of sweat from the cuffs that eventually came off with harsh scrubs. There were stitched on his wrists that were wrapped in bandages that kept out water. He didn't bother to peel away the bandage to see his work. When he emerged from the shower, toweling his hair, he saw the clothes that Touya had brought for him. There were black pants and red tee- shirt. Both were pretty baggy on him, but the sneakers hid most of the excess material. He pulled the clothes on clumsily, taking awhile to figure out how to button the pants. He finally went out into the lobby where Nicole was waiting for him. She smiled at his damp hair and baggy clothes before leading him to the main entrance. As they waited for Touya, Nicole sat them down in chairs to wait.  
  
"You know Yukito, Hospitals are for very sick people and old people, and you're neither. You don't belong in here, and I never want to see you come through those doors as a patient ever again. Will you promise me you won't?" Nicole told him solemnly. Her voice held the weariness years of work and entrapment in the sick ward. Yukito glanced at her, surprised at her rough sense caring. She was right, and maybe he didn't believe her fully, but perhaps someday he could. He smiled and nodded.  
  
"I promise," he said.  
  
-----------  
  
By the time Yukito and Touya came home, Sakura was at Tomoyo's and Mr. Avalon was away on a business trip. The house was calm and collected, everything in the right order. Touya lead him up the stairs into his bedroom.  
  
"Until we get a room set up for you, you can stay in my room." The futon that Yukito normally slept on when he stayed overnight with Touya was set up and dressed. He sat down on it, fingers lacing through the sheets and eyes cast downwards.  
  
"Touya, Thanks," he whispered. His eyes were covering over again with mists of tears, and a lump was gathering in his throat.  
  
"Hey, it's okay. It's what I'm here for, alright? It's what friends are supposed to do, and I'm your friend," Touya smiled, and sat next to Yukito. He laid his arms around Yukito and held him as he cried. It was the first time Yukito had ever cried in front of him, and the first time Touya had been given a chance to lay his arms around Yukito. Ultimately Yukito lay down, still clothed, in the bed and fell asleep, all the while Touya murmuring comforts to him. Touya knelt by Yukito's bed and watched the boy sleep. Gently, he pressed his lips to Yukito's cheek in a kiss. After a whispered 'Good Night', Touya dimmed the lights and began his homework.  
  
----------- A/N: Wow, very long chapter (well, at least compared to the other chapters). Keep ending ideas coming 'cause we're getting there soon! Thanks for all your reviews, too! Ja ne! -Samsara 


	9. Sick Fascinations

Oh So Cold Part Nine: Sick Fascinations By: Samsara  
  
Disclaimer still stands. A/N: Thanks for the help with the name of Touya's Dad and all. You guys were so helpful that your reviews only stated "His name is Fujitaka Kinomoto" lol.  
  
Part Nine: Sick Fascinations  
  
  
  
Yukito awoke the next morning to the sound of a door slam and the engine of a mini-van. He was still dressed from the previous night and his sneakers lay across from him on the carpet. Touya was nowhere to be found, and his bed hadn't been slept in. Instead it was covered in boxes. It took a moment for Yukito to recognize those boxes as his own. Shedding the bed sheets, Yuki stood and went to see what was happening. Sakura was in the kitchen, talking to someone on the phone. Her head bobbed up and down as she scoured the refrigerator in search of breakfast food. The front door was wide open and Touya soon came marching in, carrying a heavy box and whistling.  
  
"Touya?"  
  
Touya stopped halfway up the steps, and turned to look down at his friend. "Hey. Last night I went over to your house and picked up your stuff. Since today is a Sunday, I thought we might assemble your new room," Touya replied and began up the stairs again.  
  
"You didn't have to do that," Yukito muttered. A call from upstairs from Touya told him otherwise.  
  
"Of course I had to, you dummy! Now come on up!"  
  
Yukito's new room was at the very end of the house and tucked away in the corner opposite Kinomoto-san's room. It was kind of small, but there was enough room for a bed and a chest of drawers. The room also came with the balcony, which was currently covered in Saturday's laundry and located directly across from the door. There was a closet on the wall the door was on, and small bookcase in the center of the room, presently looking forlorn and out of place. First, Touya and Yuki brought in all the laundry from the balcony and moved the forlorn little bookcase to the wall where the balcony was. The bed was brought in next. It was only a simple wooden frame about 4" off the ground that encased a futon. The brilliant thing about the bed was that during the day you could cover it with a slab of wood (provided with the bed) and use it for a desk or table. The bed was a twin, but still fit Yukito's lithe form. Boxes were then retrieved from Touya's room and unpacked in Yuki's room. Yukito spent most of lunch on the floor encircled by his belongings, sorting what he wanted and didn't want. Books were put onto shelves and clothes folded and put in the dresser or closet. Surprisingly enough, Yukito threw himself fully into the work, happy to not have to speak of his problems or sit around having people stare at him. After 3 restless days of sitting watching the History Channel, Yuki was ready to do something. The room was finished by mid afternoon, and both collapsed on the bed. Outside the sky had clouded over and looked like rain. The pair lay on bed for an hour or so, watching the afternoon rain slide down the windows and trap on the balcony. It was about six when Yukito got up again.  
  
"Where are you going?" Touya asked, flopping on his stomach to gaze lazily at Yuki.  
  
"I thought you might be getting hungry so I was going to go cook us something," he answered softly, tearing his gaze from Touya.  
  
"Why don't you order a pizza instead? I'm more in the mood for that. What about you?" Touya remarked. Watching the rain had made him sleepy and feeling old.  
  
Yukito didn't reply but stepped out of the room and went to order the pizza. Sakura was still on the phone, this time she was obviously talking to Tomoyo and asking for homework help. Yukito sat down in kitchen and waited for her conversation to end. "Hey Yuki-kun? I wanted to welcome you to our house," Sakura smiled and plopped down next to him.  
  
"Thanks," He mumbled.  
  
"I made this for you to hang on your door. I hope you feel better and all," Sakura handed him her gift and with a peck on his cheek, she left to clean her room. She had made him a sign out of bright blue cardboard and white yarn. His name was printed in multi-colored sparkles and underneath his name was a collage of pictures. Some were of the past year from festivals and the like, but there was one, directly in the center of him and Touya in the 7th grade under a tree with a younger Sakura between them. Yukito sighed and placed the sign back on the table. Things weren't as simple as they had been in junior high. Now that he was out of the hospital, Yukito really didn't know what to do with himself. He had the sinking suspicion that all sharp objects had been locked out of his reach and he would constantly be watched. Tomorrow he would have to go to school again, and again there was a distinct feeling inside him that said tomorrow would not be pleasant. Besides, he had just gotten into his new "home" and he was already beginning to think about Touya again. Not in a friendly, thank-you-for-saving-my-life kind of way, but rather in a passionate, angry romantic way. He'd caught himself looking at Touya for long minutes. Although Yukito was somewhat refreshed by the normalcy of checking out Touya, he again found himself disgusted by his actions.  
  
-------------------------------  
  
The start of the next day wasn't as terrible as Yukito planned it to be. Sakura made them breakfast and they set out to school as they usually did. Yukito let Touya and Sakura banter back and forth, pleased to not have to contribute to the discussion. They arrived just on time, so there wasn't much time to talk to their friends. People were, needless to say, astonished by Yukito's appearance and whispers broke out during attendance call. During the day, Touya and Yuki only stared 2 classes and first period was a class where they were separated. Luckily for Yukito, typical Japanese classes didn't involve much chatter between students so Yukito was free to bury himself in his work. He wasn't, however, free from rumors when break rolled around. Yukito stood out on the lawns, scanning the students for Touya. Since he couldn't find his companion on the main grounds, he walked around back to look for him. Along his way he passed by a crowd of "populars" who were halfway through their morning smoke.  
  
"Didn't you hear, dope? He tried to kill himself! You know, blast his brains out, unplug himself?!"  
  
"Naw, I heard he slashed his wrists. Sick way to go if you ask me. I mean damn, he's the nicest kid but there's always somethin' funny about him. It's like he's one of those introverted psychopaths who are really morbid and gothic on the inside. They like tearing apart birds and shit like that,"  
  
"How selfish is he? I mean, Touya saved him and all but now he's gonna have to pay the hospital. I bet he just did it for attention, and now he's using his friend's family to pay his debt to the hospital. Talk about being a slob," The comment was followed by laughter.  
  
  
  
Yukito slowly backed away from the crowd. How could they laugh at him? They didn't know or understand how he felt? But they were right. He was a slob for sticking the Kinomoto family with the hospital bill. He hadn't even thought about it.  
  
"You see how sick you are! See how much of a sadist you are! You spend your days fantasizing about Touya and then use him to get what you want. I can't believe you actually wonder why your grandparents left you! Look at yourself. You're ugly, malnourished, suicidal and to top it off, you're gay. You forgot about Church on Sunday again and spent the day thinking gay thoughts! Didn't anything in Bible School teach that it was wrong! You've doomed yourself so don't be surprised when you don't have any friends," Yukito thoughts bit at him and tore him down on the insides. He didn't choose to combat his feelings of animosity, but swallowed it and let the words sink in. He found himself back on the main grounds, and staring into Touya's eyes.  
  
"Hey! I wanted to talk to you during break but I couldn't find you and I have to go now and set up for Art," Touya rambled, throwing an arm around Yuki's shoulder and leading him into the building. Yukito threw Touya's arm off of him and backed away.  
  
"Hey, what's wrong?" Touya stared quizzically at his companion.  
  
"Why'd you go and tell everyone? Does it give you some sort of sick satisfaction to.... to just tear someone apart like that!?" Yukito yelled at Touya, his body shaking as it filled up with pent up anger and rage.  
  
"What are you talking about?! I didn't tell anybody why you were in the hospital! I wouldn't betray you like that!" Touya declared, moving closer to Yukito.  
  
"Liar," Yuki snarled back.  
  
"I'm telling the truth!"  
  
"Oh?! Then if you are, why are people calling me a suicidal lunatic who enjoys ripping up birds?! HUH?" he scoffed in return. Touya stood there staring at a crying Yukito; fascinated with the boy he loved so dearly. The very idea of Yuki as a bird killer was twisted and made Touya want to throw up. Finally Touya's face screwed together and he landed a blow to the wall next to him. Yukito cowered away from Touya and fled further into the corner.  
  
"You know what Yuki? I'm tired of you playing around and pretending no one cares. I'm sick and tired of it and I don't have time. We'll talk about this later,"  
  
"Fine,"  
  
  
  
----------------------  
  
A/N: Another Chapter come and gone. Almost to the end. Another short chapter and one big long ending one.... and then maybe an epilogue. Damn I'm really bad with endings. Anyhow, thanks for your continued support, however short and sweet! lol. 


	10. Other Rooms

Oh So Cold Part Ten: Other Rooms By: Samsara  
  
Disclaimer still stands.  
  
By the time the end of school rolled around, the sky had clouded up and the sun was nowhere to be found. The rest of the day found Yukito wandering aimlessly. Touya had indoor soccer practice after school and couldn't be there to escort Yuki home.  
  
"Baby sit me is more like it. I don't understand it! One minute he's all worried about me, the next he's flaunting my secrets to everyone at school. He used to be impulsive and he wanted to be part of the 'in-crowd'. He kept abandoning me to hang out with them, and would come back when they dumped him. He got over that though... but he's not here for me anymore. He's angry with me now, and disgusted. He doesn't even understand and gave up on me. " Yukito muttered absentmindedly, his feet pulling him towards the supermarket. He'd been assigned to pick up groceries, and the list lay crumpled in his hand like the list of verb he no longer needed.  
  
"I never gave up on him," Yuki thought bitterly. Touya would be home later, and would probably ignore him. The grocery store was nearly empty at 4 pm. Rain pounded on the rooftop and blasted the vegetables in bins outside. The owner was pulling in the outside bins, dragging them in two at a time and leaving them in aisle 4. Yukito felt his fingers reaching out to scoop up items on his shopping list, but his mind didn't comprehend his actions. His thoughts centered on Touya and being in the hospital. He was a slob, he decided. Again, in a trance, Yukito bought the food, not noticing the clerk when asked "Paper or plastic?" He stood then, strangely upright and nodded to himself. Inside he had decided to solve things with Touya. What else could he do after all? Smiling to himself, Yukito grabbed his groceries and was headed out the door with a man breezed past Yukito and shoved him into a can display. The man looked back in repulse and gave Yuki another shove.  
  
"Watch where you're going, kid!" he spat at Yuki. Yuki stood and stared at the man before following. Why had he been so cruel? Especially when he had knocked into Yuki, not the other way around. He pursued the man out into the rain and to his car, barely able to see through foggy glasses and over two bags of food.  
  
"Hey! You didn't have to me so mean to me back there!" Yukito called to the man as he climbed into his truck. The guy blinked and turned back towards Yuki. "Whaddya mean? You kids have no respect anymore. Just fuck off, you little brat!" he snapped, slamming the car door and starting the ignition. "I don't even know you! You don't know me! Why are you so cruel to me? What did I ever do to you!?!" Yukito cried. The man didn't care, and drove off, leaving Yukito in the rain. Everything was numb now. The groceries slipped from his arms as he stood there in shock. And then, with an overwhelming sense of loss and not belonging, Yuki sat down on the pavement, tears slipping down his face.  
  
-----------------------------------------  
  
The Kinomoto house was quiet when Yukito returned. Lights were on and the doors were unlocked, but neither Sakura nor Touya were to be found. Kinomoto-san wouldn't be back from his trip until Friday, so it was up to the kids to take care of themselves. After putting all the groceries away, he trudged up the stairs to his new room. As he passed Touya's door, he heard another voice besides Touya's inside the room. He listened for a bit, reveling in the laughter and comedy the voices spoke of. Instead of knocking, Yukito continued on to his room, closing his door behind him. He flopped on the bed and glanced about his room. It was very different from his other room. This room was much more cozy and warm. His grandparents never turned up the heat to his old room, and he never really had any furnishings. The door to Touya's room opened, the two boys clamoring down the stairs in long strides, heading for the fridge. Yuki continued to stare at the ceiling, refusing to even think about joining in with them. Touya had probably invited this person over because he was sick of Yuki. He'd said so himself that he was sick of Yuki. He also probably wanted to avoid Yuki. That was fine with Yuki. However, Yukito's desire to remain left alone was squashed when Touya noticed the new groceries. Upon hearing his name called, Yukito got up and went to the door.  
  
"Yuki? Are you okay? I was... well, I guess you're home. I brought a guy from the soccer team home, do you want to hang out with us?" Touya knocked on Yukito's door, which was promptly opened. Touya question was stupid. Of course he wanted to hang out. But why bother?  
  
"I'm fine and no. I've got a lot of makeup work," Yuki lied, hiding his face behind the door. Touya shrugged and went back downstairs. Yuki stayed in the doorframe, listening as Touya was greeted by his friend.  
  
"What's wrong with him?"  
  
"He's mad at me, that's all," Touya replied.  
  
Yukito shut his door again. " There he goes now. Talking to his friends like I'm crazy or I'm just another girl on PMS. He makes it sound like I'm doing this all for attention! I guess I don't really matter to him anymore... I don't even matter to myself anymore. I... I can't stay here any longer." Yukito shoved open his closet and pulled out some clothes. He began shoving clothes and money into his school bag, discarding his books and uniform. Although his room was on the second floor, a large tree was overhanging the balcony, so he just used that to climb out. He didn't even leave a note.  
  
---------------------  
  
A/N: Another chapter done. I probably won't be able to update for a week or so, even though I'm on a roll! I'm going back to England, so it'll be awhile before my next post. The scene where Yuki goes after that man at the grocery store is actually derived from Fried Green Tomatoes... great movie. Thanks again! -Samsara 


	11. Brave Hearts

Oh So Cold Part Eleven: Brave Hearts By: Samsara  
  
Outside, the storm had kicked up pretty badly. Still clad in his uniform, Yukito ran down the drenched streets with amazing speed, feeling as though the world was at his back, chasing him into his decision. It didn't matter now, and it never mattered from the beginning. Perhaps he had once mattered, to someone, somewhere. Not anymore. Maybe when Yuki was younger, people cared about him. He had been so happy and outgoing, an adventurer into a world he'd never met. People: adults and peers, flocked to him, gathering around him a safety net of friends and almost family. But they were gone now, that safety net of people. It wasn't very late into the evening, so people were still out as Yukito ran into town. People, people of all kinds were there, milling around, and looking so happy.  
  
God, if only he could be one of them.  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------  
  
"So, tell me the truth... did he really try and, you know..."  
  
Touya blinked and then turned. He and Kio were sitting in front of the TV, guzzling down soda and watching an old episode of "Smallville". The question surprised Touya, who momentarily, had no clue what Kio was talking about.  
  
"What? What are you talking about?" Touya inquired, draining his soda can and getting up. Kio watched Touya as he sauntered into the kitchen, half expecting a growl from his soccer companion.  
  
"You know, everyone's talking about it. Why Yukito-kun was missing for a week. People said he tried to kill himself," Kio answered smugly.  
  
"Why does it matter why he'd gone? What is so special about Yuki being gone? Can't you guys give it a rest?" Touya shrugged off the question. He didn't like where this conversation was going. He grabbed another soda and leaned against the counter, listening to his friend.  
  
"I don't know. I just think it's pretty damn disrespectful, that's all,"  
  
Touya slammed his soda can onto the counter.  
  
"What..." was all he managed to say.  
  
"I mean, he probably just did it for attention, and he's always been in the way. You have to admit, it's not very fun hanging out with him. He's a goody-goody and so feminine. I feel sorry for you and your family. You're going to have to put him up and pay his bill. He won't talk to anyone, he's so disrespectful to his peers. Why do you hang out with him? Why do you even bother?" Kio was so cool when he said this, so calm and collected. There was no emotion, only the cocky attitude that almost everyone in the world had. Touya stared at his friend in disbelief. Why was he saying such horrible things about Yuki? Yuki had never harmed anyone!  
  
"What the hell are you saying? You don't know a damn thing about him! And since when did you ever stop and talk to him? Just because he doesn't fall all over you popular kids doesn't mean he's disrespectful!" Touya yelled.  
  
" Geez, there's no reason to get all angry on me, man! I'm just saying what I think," Kio replied quickly.  
  
"I don't give a flying fuck about why you think! If you're going to go and think like that, you can take your thoughts elsewhere!" Touya snapped, glaring at Kio. Kio, for a minute, was shocked. Then, glowering back at Touya he snarled, "You never did care what anyone thought! You're so stupid! Don't you want to fit in?"  
  
"NO! I don't want to hear it!" Touya yelled back.  
  
"Aww, poor baaby Touya, can't stand to see what's true!" Kio mocked, heading for the door.  
  
"GET OUT!!" Touya screamed, his breathing hard and his chest tight. He didn't need to mocked in his own home, especially by such an uncivil bastard. Fortunately, Kio was out the door by "GET".  
  
Touya slouched against the fridge, steadying his heart. Is this what Yuki went through today? Did Yuki always have to be protecting himself from such people? Finally Touya understood Yuki. He understood why Yuki had never cared what anyone else in school thought. After school, the popular kids who were so cruel to everyone would be the same as their victims, struggling to get into universities, looking for jobs. Everyone was the same, and it didn't matter. Yuki never used to care what anyone would say to him. When Yuki found himself under pressure from heinous insults on his personality, he always had Touya to depend on. So why was Yuki so self-conscious now? Why was he so worried about these kids? He could defend himself against...  
  
No. Yuki could defend himself, he was too nice. Yuki had always looked upon Touya for defense and companionship...  
  
But Touya wasn't there. He'd been so wrapped up in his own affairs...  
  
"Dear God," Touya muttered to himself. Clearing his head, he gritted his teeth and ran up the stairs. He needed to make it up to Yuki, somehow. His absence had probably been a main source in Yuki's suicide attempt. Yuki had probably heard everything downstairs, and could even be in tears!  
  
"Yuki! Yuki, come out, I need to talk with you!" Touya banged on Yuki's door. Touya was again filled with the desperation he'd had when looking for Yuki after finding his note. When no reply came, Touya burst into the empty room.  
  
Immediately noticing the open window and the clothes strewn about from fast packing, Touya swore. Now Yuki had run away. Wasting no time, Touya went to the garage, pulled out his father's jeep and a cell phone, and began the search.  
  
-------------------------------------------  
  
By the time Yuki got to the train station, rush hour was passed and only about twenty people were waiting for a train. After glancing carefully at a map of Japan, Yuki decided to take a trip up to the coast, and from there, ferry himself to China. He'd be far away from Touya and all the destruction he'd caused. The train ticket wasn't much, but Yuki did worry how he'd support himself. He could end up on the streets, as a pusher or whore. Neither option sounded appealing, so Yuki promised himself he'd never sink that low. As for the question of Touya, Yuki didn't care if Touya scoured the world for him. Yuki wouldn't let himself be caught. Sitting on a bench on the platform, Yuki gathered himself. The train didn't come for another fifteen minutes.  
  
"Do I really want to do this? Is what happened worth leaving for? I used to be so strong, why don't I try that! Why don't I try and be strong, get over this and stay with what I know? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!? What happened to everything I used to have? What the hell did I do? Why does everyone want to leave me? I don't understand, and no one will tell me... I'm so confused." Yuki thought.  
  
"Don't go," part of Yuki whispered softly, the sound a gentle hum in his ear.  
  
"Why shouldn't I leave! I could start over, no one would know me, and I could become famous and live my dreams without anyone making fun of me! I don't need that crap!" Yuki replied to himself, partly amused at his indecision.  
  
" You need help, the kind of help you can only get from the one you love. If you're so adamant about going, I'm going to get us a second opinion and find someone who will care for us, who will take care of us, here and now!" Yuki's half answered. Before Yuki could answer himself, he felt his eyes leaking and his heart beating so wildly he felt like he were about to explode. His lips flew open and a scream, first silent and then undeniably loud, raced through the air and echoed in the tracks of his destiny,  
  
"SOMEONE HELP ME FROM MYSELF!!!"  
  
Then, everything stopped.  
  
------------------------------  
  
A.N./ Ha-ha, took another week for this post but, I had makeup work to do. London was fun and cool, like it always is, and I don't have to go through jetlag. One more chapter to go, and maybe an epilogue. Yay! Thanks for all the support, most appreciated! -Samsara 


	12. Nervous

Oh So Cold: 

Part Twelve: Nervous

By: Samsara

Disclaimer still stands!

It only took a few seconds for the train station to filter into silence. Everything on the platform froze in place, people hushed from conversation and quieted by the echo of Yukito's scream. People immediately turned and stared at the teenager, their eyes glancing up and down his pale skin, their pupils darting from his clothes to his suitcase. They looked for homelessness, for hunger and starvation. Soon people began to surround Yuki, reaching out hands to smooth his clothes or to wipe the sweat from his brow.

"Are you alright? What is wrong?"

"Why are you out here, all alone? Poor dear, where are your parents?"

"Are you ill? What do you mean 'Help me from myself'? I don't understand"

"How can we help you?"

The voices of all the people surrounding him fascinated Yuki. To him these voices sounded like the songs from sweet angels. But still, these voices were distant and somewhat cold. How could someone so happy as they, understand what he was feeling? How could they want to hear about his troubles? Their faces were plain and dull in the dim light. No, these weren't angels. They were normal people whose day had just been disturbed by a teenager who couldn't keep his emotions in check. 

"Perhaps everyone has feelings like this," Yukito considered quietly, "Maybe everyone hates themselves. Maybe everyone gets in everybody else's way, and they have grown enough to control it. But don't they feel the anger at themselves? The hatred? Do they ever say things they don't mean to, or anger others without meaning to? Can't everyone manipulate as good as I?" The idea silenced him. 

The station's security had swallowed around the crowd and made their way in. Many people had become disturbed by the teenager's stillness. His eyes were immobile and his face was clammy and cold. 

"Are you alright son?" A security guard knelt down next to Yukito and shined a flashlight in his eyes. Yuki blinked rapidly for a moment before assessing the situation. He couldn't do this. He couldn't dare let anyone know. Instead, he hung his head a moment before pulling his chin back up. He greeted the crowd with a semi-smile. 

"Forgive me for my outburst everyone," Yukito started quietly. His voice was calm and collected, his face resembling a smooth plaque copper. He let no emotion sink through his skin. This was exactly what he had been doing for the past months: lying about his condition. People didn't need to know his embarrassing secrets. He didn't want them to know, for they were like everyone else. Untrustworthy. 

The crowd heaved a sigh of relief. 

"What is wrong lad?" 

Yukito stretched his face into a broad grin. 

"I am trying to memorize a play for a big production. My outburst was from a monologue my character says. The lines were just so powerful that I, well, accidentally screamed it. Please forgive my interruption." Yukito informed the crowd. 

It took only minutes for people to nod and walk off. The security guard kneeling next to him stayed however. He continued to hold his light in Yuki's face, and his eyes bore into Yuki like lasers. Yukito didn't say anything to the man, but opted to ignore him all together. This man was so much like Touya: always worrying when he shouldn't., always taking care of someone who couldn't possibly return the favour. The thought brought tears into Yukito's eyes. He bent his head and shriveled away from the man's light. The security guard looked thoughtful for a moment, his brow creasing in deep thought. Then he stood. 

"Come with me," he ordered, keeping the light on Yuki. Yuki looked up at him quizzically. The guard repeated his order before turning away. 

What kind of trouble had Yukito gotten himself into? Did the guard recognize him as a runaway? Yukito thought that his performance had been perfect; so flawless that no one could see through his charade. Indeed, he was wrong. 

The guard lead him around the station to the front, where there was a restaurant and a post office. The guard directed Yukito into the restaurant and sat them down in a booth. Yukito waited patiently for the man to speak first. 

"So kid, what's your name?" The man took off his hat and his coat. He was broad shouldered with mussy brown hair and dark Greek eyes. He was average in height and weight to a man of 35. 

The man's face was impassive, his jaw a deadline and his mouth a no-nonsense crease. There would be no lying to this man, that much Yukito was sure of. 

"Yukito," he murmured. Yuki shifted nervously in the booth as the waitress came by. The guard ordered them coffee and quickly dismissed the girl.

"Okay, Yukito, why are you running away and what from?" 

Yukito felt his heart stop. God damn, this man knew all. 

"Excuse me? I don't under-" Yuki began, this time pulling out a sweet voice and puzzled expression. 

"I think you know what I mean. What are you running from?" The man demanded, his face bright red. Yukito glanced out the window before replying, 

"Everything."

----------

A/N: Another, short chapter... Ah well, more coming. I just can't write this all in one go... Sorry I haven't updated lately: I've been working out my move back to Rome which is actually a pain in the ass. Finding apartments isn't as easy as it used to be. Anyhow, more coming and thanks so much for all the reviews! Oh, and to answer Empress Yue's question (which I think you've asked before, lol), no Yue will not be appearing in this fic. Mostly because I know very little of Yue and adding him in now wouldn't achieve the same purpose of the story. As I'm sure most of you have noticed, this fic is lacking the major things of the actual series (like the cards, clow, etc etc) and adding in Yue now will make the fic weird... yeah. Maybe he'll be in the sequel, (wink wink). Email me if you want a hint of the sequel, okay? Thanks!

-Samsara


	13. He Could Belong

Oh So Cold Part Thirteen: He Could Belong By: Samsara Disclaimer still stands  
  
  
  
"I don't understand," the guard replied.  
  
Yukito smirked and glanced back at the guard and then at the empty restaurant. There was no one, except them.  
  
"No, no. Of course you don't," Yukito answered calmly. He didn't want to play this game of 20 questions with the guard; he wanted to escape and make everything bad go away. He wanted to go away to where he could belong. The guard sighed and sank into his seat with his arms crossed over his chest.  
  
"Everyone's got problems. Everyone's been embarrassed and sad. Everyone's felt unwanted and cruel," The guard stated. Yuki smirked again.  
  
"Not like my problems,"  
  
"Maybe not but at least they don't run from their problems!" The guard snapped. His eyes burned and Yukito shrank back.  
  
" I'm trying to solve my problems! I can't solve them anyway else!" Yukito cried back.  
  
"What are your problems then?"  
  
Yukito glared at the guard. How were his problems any business of this man's? This guy had no right to just barge in on other's lives! When Yukito didn't respond, the guard slunk back in his seat giving Yuki a knowing sneer.  
  
"I'll bet your problems are minimal. You're probably just another teenage brat who decides he doesn't get everything he wants and runs away to show mommy and daddy that he'll get whatever he wants or else. Yeah, I've seen plenty of kids like you. Conceded, stuck up brats who can't do anything but whine." The guard leered. Yukito blanched at each word, his insides crumbling. Is this what he was? Was he truly that horrible? "You're probably some rich kid from up north. You've probably been the school bully, making fun of cripples and pushing little kids around. Makes you happy, doesn't it? To push someone into cement until they're bleeding and screaming for you to stop. You types are always sadists. You just have to hurt everyone you come in contact with, don't you? Who did you hurt this time? Maybe you're avoiding your parents because you hog-tied your brother and made him sit in a dog house for the afternoon, not even letting him out to use the bathroom so he'd have to sit in his own shit. Maybe you beat him in public, in front of his friends and had others drop pee-bombs on him in school. Maybe -"  
  
"SHUT UP!" Yukito was crying now, his face like snow and his arms and legs trembling. His eyes were clamped shut and his breath harsh and ragged. How could this man torture him? He'd endured enough! He wasn't going to take this any longer. His insides were dying, his heart was screaming and his mind was crashing. Yukito's soul was dying; everything good about him was dying; his will to survive and endure was dying. He was dying. This man was lying - every bone in Yukito's body told him that. This man was wrong! Everyone was wrong, everyone had always been wrong about him! Why didn't anyone see Yukito for who he really was?  
  
"YOU"RE WRONG! EVERYONE IS WRONG!THAT"S NOT THE TRUTH! IT NEVER HAS BEEN!"  
  
The guard looked at Yukito for a moment, before replying.  
  
"Then what is the truth?"  
  
A/L: More coming, I know it's short but It's still coming: I haven't had internet access for awhile, but please review and thank you! 


End file.
